Wednesday, March 19

Operation Mommy Complete (Round One: Tie)

8 a.m. (Mommy) "Okay Things, time to brush your teeth." (Things) "YOU go brush YOUR TEETH. You have smelly teeth. Smelly teeth, smelly teeth, mommy has smelly teeth."

8:45 a.m. (Thing 1) "I said I want FA-RENCH-TOAST." (Mommy) "Please." (Thing 1) [laughs].

8:50 a.m. (Mommy) "If you don't stop using potty talk, you won't go to gymnastics today." (Things) "Okay Mommy." [followed by a few eye rolls and laughter]

10 a.m. (Mommy) "Time to get dressed for gymnastics." (repeat three times). "TIME. TO GET DRESSED." (Things) [laughter]

11 a.m. (Mommy) "Okay, time to go home and boil eggs for the Easter party!" (Thing 2) "Why don't you go boil the eggs?"

11:45 a.m. Thing 1 starts to lose the plot. "POO-POO HEAD!" Thing 2 chimes in "POTATO FACE!"

12 p.m. -- Mommy leaves the table, separates the Things, one on the floor facing the wall, one across the room facing the wall. The Things rebel, laughing, calling mommy names like "Monster Truck Bum". For the record, Mommy ain't no monster truck bum.

12:15 -- The timeout comes. The Things LAUGH. (Thing 1) "Give me a timeout, I don't care."

12:30 -- Mommy gives Thing 2 a timeout for telling mommy to "take my plate to the sink toilet face." Thing 2 LAUGHS.

12:45 -- Mommy puts Thing 2 in her room, Thing 1 in his room and calls five minutes of silence, threatening no Easter Party at school if I hear a peep.

12:46 -- Thing 1 declares, "Whatever, Mommy. Did you hear me, I said '" -- I don't care if you take away my computer. I can just play with my toys. I know you will let me go to the Easter party at school because it's my job to have fun and go to school."

12:47 -- Thing 2 bursts out with "You can take my computer. You can take away anything you want, I dont' care. I'll just go outside where its sunny."

1 p.m. -- The Twin Monster Things get dropped at school (yes, I stopped the car first)

3:15 p.m. -- Mommy arrives at school to find Thing 2 saying "What are you doing here? I like La Gringa better than you."

4 p.m. -- Mommy calls in the troops. I call BFF and make a plan. No playdate tomorrow. She'll play badguy. We'll threaten going to KidsPark as punishment.

4:15 p.m. -- (Mommy) "Aunty BFF canceled our playdate for tomorrow since she heard how disrepectful you have been." (Thing 1) "NOOOOO! I want to go to her house and have a talk about this." (Thing 2) "I don't like you."

4:20 p.m. -- (Mommy) "Why don't you talk to Aunty BFF and see what she has to say." The Things talked to BFF who got under Thing 1's skin. He cried and cried and promised not to go "koo-koo-crazy" Thing 2, however, gave (quivering) lip service.

4:30 p.m. -- BFF comes up with a brilliant idea: Drop them at KidsPark for an hour. Separate Kids Parks...leave them until they understand I mean business. Operation Mommy begins: I pulled up to KidsPark. Peels up to the curb and I pretend to go inside. I got kicked out when someone started screaming at me about not taking any photos (I was pulling out my iPhone and the photo is the one above).

4:31 p.m. -- Thing 2 FREAKS OUT (finally), begging me profusely not to drop her off at KidsPark and that she'll be respectful and not go crazy on me "for one whole day." I text BFF: Operation Mommy successful.

4:50 p.m. -- The Things are home, swearing they will be good and Aunty BFF will have mercy on them.

4:51 p.m. -- A minute later, Thing 2 comes in screaming at that Thing 1 hit her, knocked her down. Both Things are screaming, howling, knowing they were absolute toast.

4:52 p.m. -- The Things are in a SILENT timeout. 15 Minutes of Pure Silence.

5:07 p.m. -- Things eat dinner.

5:25 p.m. -- Thing 1 has a bath (first time ever alone).

5:35 p.m. -- Thing 2 has a bath.

5:45 p.m. -- The Things are in bed. GO TO BED THINGS., dinner, silence. Tomorrow Things will be better.

Score: Mommies 2, Thing 2

It's a draw.