A Fear Turned to Fantasy

Before I had kids I got OCD on research: What are the psychological ramifications of a sperm donor child (known versus unknown donors); what are the potential future pitfalls; How much should I put aside for therapy; Is having a sperm donor child a selfish act; morally wrong?

I spent 11 months running scenarios, reading research (I kept a huge box of research in my garage until about a year ago), investigating options. I would run an idea for weeks on-end. What if I had a boy? Who would teach him about boxers versus briefs? What if I had a girl? Who would take her to Father/Daughter dances at school?

Both of these topics became reality in the past couple of months. I took my son to Macy's with the giant underwear-clad mannequins and went through them one-by-one, talking about the differences in a snug Willie fit versus a loose Willy fit and whether or not his male family members wore boxer-briefs. The fear I'd had was nothing more than a pack of SpiderMan tighty-whities a pair of stripped boxers.

Perhaps more sensitive for me was the upcoming Father/Daughter dance. When I saw the sign go up at school, I felt my face get hot. Immediately, the Things were asking what it said, and before I could tell them, they read it themselves. I didn't have time to catch my breath or get my much practiced replies about "Father/Daughter" stuff I'd simulated years ago. My daughter was jumping non-stop and blurting out, "I can take Granddad! I can take SuperH! I can take Uncle R! I can take Thing 1!" The entire way home in the car, she weighed which of her men would be the best suited for a Western Ho-Down in the school cafeteria. It was decided before I pulled in the driveway: Granddad, it was.



After so many years of fear -- the kind of cold fear you can't shake -- of how my daughter would tackle these kinds of events, it was her smile popping out of the car that turned my fear to fantasy.

"Mom!," she screamed while jumping and leaping and bouncing out of her cowgirl outfit, "Granddad and I had a BLAST!!!!!!"

Fears turned to fantasies in the hand of my children.

Making a Break for It

Cost of two bottles of Children's Advil : $18

Cost of new thermometer at 4:45 a.m.: $12

Cost of Urgent Care per child; $20 x 2

Cost of Prescriptions per child: $20 x 2

Cost of bottle of S2 wine to survive kids having Strep Throat: $27.95

Cost of escaping with kids to the beach to blow it all off: Priceless

Project: KidGive

"This feels like I won the championship," Thing 1 told me today as he held the Salvation Army tag he'd pulled from the Christmas tree at the mall. Thing 2 kept showing people in California Pizza Kitchen her tag, telling everyone around her, "There is a 9-year-old girl who isn't going to have Christmas presents and I'm going to get her a real art set!"



Project KidGive is an idea LaGringa and I have been thinking about for awhile. The plan was, like so many other families, to pick a child's name off the Christmas tree at the mall and have the kids earn money themselves to make enough to buy the toy for a child this Christmas.

Project KidGive became the focal point of the kids' days, doing chores, talking/fantasizing/questioning about the child they were so determined to help.

In the end, it took six weeks of cleaning out mommy's car, taking out the trash, folding laundry, being the "light police" by turning off the lights in the house, offering to help neighbors and grandparents.

When it was time, we went and picked out the toys. It took for.ev.er. They looked and sampled and price scanned dozens of toys, looking for the most special, coolest, most fun one they could find. At last, they were satisfied and we took the gifts to the mall.

The holiday crazed mall concierge caught on fast when I started coming toward her with two beaming kids, arms laden with presents, handmade notes and drawings that were to go with the gifts. I took photos and cried with pride. Mission accomplished:: The Things worked from their hearts for a stranger in need and for more than a brief moment, got to live the true spirit of Christmas.



How We Did It:

1. We told the kids about the project with great anticipation before we went to the mall to get the Salvation Army tags. That way, they knew what was going on and we didn't spring it on them. I didn't multi-task, I went to the mall for that reason only and I read them every single tag, allowing them to pick them for themselves.

2. We made everything very visual. We posted a progress chart that they could fill in daily. There was an unexpected bonus with this, since we were able to count how much we made for the day and how much was remaining. Good math skills!



3. La Gringa and I praised constantly for their work. We showed visitors their chart. We touted them as givers, we told them they were like Jesus (and they always added: and like Santa!). We didn't confuse household responsibilities with these special chores.

4. We made the goals attainable. This took some work, as I had made the dollar values too low at first (10 cents per chore, on average was way too low). As time went on, we had to get more creative ($3 for reading a book). We made sure there was always room for a chore (30 seconds to run around the house and shut of lights to 15 minutes of putting away laundry).

5. We let them have control over picking their gifts. Gave them the money they'd earned and took the time to drive them to (three!) stores they wanted to investigate for their gifts.

6. We gave them one present on Christmas Eve: it was the same gifts they had earned for the other children. We praised them and talked about their giving, the feeling of giving and reinforced how they had made someone else's Christmas a good one.

Too. Tired. To. Write.

Tuesday 1:30 a.m. -- Drive to Disneyland
Tuesday 9 a.m. -- Enter Disneyland
Tueday 9 p.m. -- Get to hotel
Wednesday 9 a.m. -- Disneyland
Wednesday 5 p.m. -- California Adventure Trick or Treat party
Wednesday 11 p.m. -- Get to hotel
Thursday 9 a.m. -- Disneyland
Thursday 5 p.m. - Drive to San Jose

Time was so fast, but so magical. I'm beyond tired. So tired I can't think straight. We got back on Friday and since have gone to school, ballet, a housewarming party, soccer game, block party, parents' housewarming, ran a 1/2 marathon, birthday party and Sunday dinner.

I'll write more when I can breathe. It's not now.




...hope these pics will suffice. Much love, Garza G.

Three Favorite Kinder Games (so far)

The Sprout years are over (thank God) and I've noticed that other than sports of just about any kind, the Things are pretty bored with their toys. I headed over to Lakeshore Learning to find some more engaging toys. So far, I'm loving these three:

1. Great States Junior. It's a map of the US with three categories of questions: visual matching of state shapes, pictures of what is produced from the states and counting the number of states that have certain letters in them. The object of the game is to get as many cards as possible, but I like it because it has a CandyLand aspect of everyone winning by completing the trip around the US. Another reason this one's a hit is because it's got enough engagement for kids that are learning to read and those who are still iconographic learners. Buy it at Growing Tree Toys

2. Question of the Day. This game lives on our kitchen table. Each day we get to pick one of the 100 questions in 10 categories to ask the family. Questions range from "How do you feel when you go to school?" to "Do you remember your dreams?" Each person can pick from one of 8 icon answers or a blank card to give your own answer (you know the Things always use this one). The game comes with a big cloth board to put answers on, but we use it as dinner table conversation starters. The kids love it and so do we. Buy it at Lakeshore Learning

3. Spanish Bingo. I have to admit, this is not the easiest Bingo game to play, for one, there is no wheel to spin so the old schoolness is lost here, but this game is pretty. The shapes and pictures are beautiful the cards themselves are artistic and unique, making a relatively dumb game (unless it involves winning money), a lot more fun. We have the game in Spanish and there's a huge bonus here too -- they're learning the words associated with the pictures in their newly adopted language. Buy it at Genius Babies.

Got any great kinder games for us to try out? Would love to hear!

Highlights from the First Day

1. Thing 2 stood at the door screaming, "Bye Mom, I'm going NOW to Kindergarten!" She did that for about a half-hour.

2. The class indeed is 100% in Spanish. The kids are already asking what this and that mean in Spanish. The word of the day? Helado! We got the kids ice cream sundaes at 31 Flavors after the first day today. (a nod to our own childhood special occasion place).

3. Thing 1 was a little shaky, but confident. His teacher is gorgeous, kind and smart. She's perfect for him. He's got three friends from preschool in his class.

4. Thing 2 found the most scared child around almost instantly and plastered herself to the girl. When the kids left the room, she took the crying girl by the hand and kept telling her, "Mommys always come back, don't cry." Later, when I praised her for her kindness, she smiled at me and told me, "That's my job, mom."



5. The Things teachers have very different styles. Somehow I expected a lot to be the same. One gave a PPT presentation while the other artistically floated between languages and conversation. I learned that not even the field trips will be the same -- I've got a lot ahead of me as chief mom.

6. The Things were EXHAUSTED after just a couple of hours. They are hankering for school tomorrow already and have picked out their clothes.

7. It takes about 25 minutes to walk to school leisurely; a lot longer than I thought it would. Good to know!


I tried to let go gracefully today, but I paled in comparison to my children who took every moment of change from teachers to new rules, clothes and friends. Today is a day I will never, ever forget.

Kindergarten Class Lists are Up

I don't even have words...

Tennis Camp

What NOT Going to BlogHer Meant

I pouted. I wasn't going to BlogHer. I had the go-ahead from work. I had the go-ahead from clients. I could have gone. Except, I couldn't find a fricking ticket last minute and was too shy (yeah, I can be shy, believe it or not) to ask any of my contact for entrance.

I should have been there.

I never cared before, truly, about any conference. I've spoken on so many panels it's no longer exciting to me; I've worked so many conferences that it's more of a chore than a thrill. But somehow, *this* BlogHer, *this year* got to me. I did a few stunts for clients for BlogHer this year, I followed my buddies on Twitter as they boarded planes, got in taxis and stumbled through San Francisco. I was there, but not there.there.

On Friday I did a presentation for work, kids in tow, ready to go pull a favor somewhere to wiggle myself in to the conference at the Westin St. Francis.

As I walked down Powell street I saw my kids skipping and laughing and holding my hand. They were laughing at mommy being all dressed up and acting silly and full of questions and true wonder about everything from homeless people to the "Lego looking" houses they saw stacked on top of each other. Turn toward Union Square where my people were, I turned around.

I took the kids straight to good old cheesy Pier 39. We walked all the way to the Ferry building and ate shrimp cocktail sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the pier watching the boats go by. We watched street performers, did a bungee jump trampoline thingy and shopped for goodies from strung-out-tchachke-selling ladies. We ate eclairs and danced disco. At one point, staring out at the Bay Bridge a girl rolled up in a wheelchair. The name of the back of the chair said, "Westin St. Francis" -- my jaw dropped.

God was speaking to me. I thought then, cotton candy was in order.

Thoughts on Five

My Things turn 5 tomorrow -- five. The big V. A half of a decade. 60 months. 1826 days.

I told Thing 2 tonight that we were having our last blessings of 4 and tomorrow we'd be having blessings of a 5-year-old. She burst out crying. She doesn't want to be 5, she wants to be 4. "I really like 4," she said, crying in her big girl princess bed. I tried to tell her 5 was the same as four but you get to do more stuff. She asked what stuff, but I couldn't really think of anything to say except that she gets to go to Kindergarten, but that made her cry harder.

Thing 1 jumped in, "I don't want to go to Kindergarten either, so if we stay 4, can we go back to PreK?" Ugh. Growing up is hard to do.

I struggled to figure out something comforting to say, but truth be told, I'm not quite ready for the fives either. I told them that their skin would still taste like corn on the cob (an inside joke), that they'd still have the same house, bed, family and friends and that I'd love them just the same. They laughed and wanted to be tucked into bed like babies, side by side, foregoing their big kid beds in lieu of huddling next to each other.

Age 4 has been such a blessing. Four is better than 3 for twins; it's better than 2 and a fricking truckload better than 1 (are you kidding me, I can't believe they or I survived that year). Four has been a year of crazy growth -- separate bedrooms, independence from each other, separate classrooms, some separate friends, separate playdates, learning to read and write and dance alone in their bedrooms. Four has been a year of reciprocal love from my Things that I had not expected to have, a compassion I was surprised to see and a burst of personality that makes me laugh hard, think often and keeps my sorry old 37-year-old ass in line.

My Thing 1 grew in manly ways -- focusing on sports with a fury. His obsessions of all things sports seemed far beyond his four years -- passion for Joe Thornton and the Sharks (memorizing their team numbers, stats and positions); gaining cult status at the barber shop for knowing and feeling crazed about the NFL playoffs, the Patriots and his beloved Peyton Manning; refusing to take off his LiveStrong bracelet after learning about Lance Armstrong, then following it up with giving out friendship bracelets to his sister, LaGringa and me, telling us that this was our family LiveStrong bracelet. I NEVER took mine off until Thing 1 finally did after over two months.

My sweet, strong Thing 2 lives to be a Garza -- she is all girl, the real kind of girl. Thing 2 blew me away as a 4-year old for knowing what she wants completely consistently, without abandon and with complete focus. Her dedication to dance, (she led her ballet recital with all the girls following her -- right or unique -- steps); her absolutely unfaltering dedication to family through letters, thoughts, articulation of feeling and their complexity always, without fail brings La Gringa and me to tears instantly (La Gringa does this hand wave thing when she starts to cry over Thing 2's compassion); her never ending ability to befriend a peer in need from an Autistic child to younger oglers and meet them on a level they can understand. She blows my mind -- her 4-year-old heart literally stops mine.

So we're onto the 5ives tomorrow. I can only pray that it brings as much joy as 4 has. In front of us is school and bilingual education and independence from each other. We'll be looking at their different interests in sports, friends and their completely different views on life.

I've got some goals for them, but only a few solid ones. Here they are:
1. Make sure we keep our morning "cuddle time," even if they use it as an excuse to watch TV in our bed. :)
2. Open their worlds just enough to grow and be there enough to make them feel safe in it.
3. Watch American Gladiators and Iron Chef America together still -- it's a silly common ground! Don't laugh, I mean it! :)
4. Try to keep "favorite part of your day" dinner conversation every night like we've done for two years now.
5. Let them be 5. Nothing more. Nothing less. And don't forget to be 5 with them sometimes too.

Happy Birthday Things. I love you in ways I never knew it was possible to love.

-- Mommy

Donor Children Article

Very interesting research on donor conceived children. It supports all the stuff I've read for years and years, but it's nice to see it in print every once in awhile.

Like I always say, May God bless the donor that I used. I hope that sperm-slinging guy has the best fricking life e.v.e.r -- he certainly gave that to me.

Vactioning Things

Five days with Grandma and Granddad included:

-- Making homeade ice cream
-- Going to the pool
-- Going to the pool some more
-- Going to CMT summer camp
-- Making cookies
-- Building a model war tank
-- Baking Shrink-E-Dinks
-- Cruising around the Lexus with the top down
-- Watching Peter Pan
-- Sleeping in Grandma and Granddad's big bed
-- Pitching a tent in the backyard with Uncle M's real tent
-- Going to Bonfante Gardens

...really, they had no fun at all. :)

My Extraordinary Things

My Big Little Garza

Tower Trio

Grizwald Boy: "Tower of Terror!!!!"

Thing 1: "Tower of Powerrrr!!!!"

Thing 2: "Leaning Tower of Pisa!"

Iron Chef America Comes Home

Chef Cat Cora and Chef Bobby Flay made me breakfast this morning. Before each tasting Thing 2 said: "The Inspiration for this dish is my Meddy-terry-aim-ee-an history," After presenting each of his dishes, Thing 1 said, "Enjoy," then bowed.

Secret Ingredient: Cod Fish (chefs watched Peter Pan last night)

Dishes: The required five, including one Cod Ice Cream

The Winner: A lovely Cod Fish and Shrimp with corn and lamb. Mmmm.

Quotes from the Wonder Things

In chronological order while running errands yesterday:

1. Thing 1: Why is "W" sound like a "D"? double-u... see? A D?

2. Thing 2: What is Jambalaya? Can you get it as Jamba Juice?

3. Thing 1: The iPhone is a thermometer. I can tell if I have a fever with it.

4. Thing 2: It [the iPhone] can tell temperatures all over the world for all places and people and animals.

5. Thing 1: We. Will. Rock. You. What does it mean? Does it mean we're going to throw rocks at you? That would be bad.

6. Mommy: Can you please stop asking me "Why, Mommy" every two seconds?

7. Thing 2: Why?

8. Thing 1: I believe in God even though God is invisible because Wonder Woman is real and she can be invisible and she *also* has an invisible airplane.

9. Thing 1: I have a secret hole in my underwear just for boys [to the Ikea salesperson]. It's a *secret* pee hole.

Cat Cora...My Kids' Role Model?

We introduced the Things to Iron Chef America a few months ago in an attempt to keep up with the Jones' son who knows all the chefs and special ingredients. Not to be outdone, we started Tivoing like madmen.

The Things fell in love. Hard core obsession with the Iron Chefs, Thing 1 favoring Chef Bobby Flay and Thing 2 being crazed over Chef Cat Cora. So crazed that today when Cora lost to challenger Ken Oringer, Thing 2 started crying uncontrollably, "NOOOO! Cat Cora cooked coffee stuff better! Cat Cora is prettier anyway! I want Cat Cora. Cat. Cora. CAT CORA!" My four-year-old was completely melted down, only calmed by searching for Cat Cora cookbooks online. Shopping therapy works even on the tiniest of girl-angst.

In searching Cora's books and history we came across a personal file on Wikipedia showing the Chef and her partner and two children. I pointed it out to the Things, "Cat Cora has two kids and they have two mommies just like you!"

You would have thought it was national Cat Cora day in our house. Elation. Jumping on the bed, screaming, laughing! "A two-mommy family, a two mommy family, Cat Cora is a two mommy family!"

Not your grandma's kind of kitchen TV show...then again, Julia Child had a pretty low voice.

Operation Mommy Complete (Round One: Tie)

8 a.m. (Mommy) "Okay Things, time to brush your teeth." (Things) "YOU go brush YOUR TEETH. You have smelly teeth. Smelly teeth, smelly teeth, mommy has smelly teeth."

8:45 a.m. (Thing 1) "I said I want FA-RENCH-TOAST." (Mommy) "Please." (Thing 1) [laughs].

8:50 a.m. (Mommy) "If you don't stop using potty talk, you won't go to gymnastics today." (Things) "Okay Mommy." [followed by a few eye rolls and laughter]

10 a.m. (Mommy) "Time to get dressed for gymnastics." (repeat three times). "TIME. TO GET DRESSED." (Things) [laughter]

11 a.m. (Mommy) "Okay, time to go home and boil eggs for the Easter party!" (Thing 2) "Why don't you go boil the eggs?"

11:45 a.m. Thing 1 starts to lose the plot. "POO-POO HEAD!" Thing 2 chimes in "POTATO FACE!"

12 p.m. -- Mommy leaves the table, separates the Things, one on the floor facing the wall, one across the room facing the wall. The Things rebel, laughing, calling mommy names like "Monster Truck Bum". For the record, Mommy ain't no monster truck bum.

12:15 -- The timeout comes. The Things LAUGH. (Thing 1) "Give me a timeout, I don't care."

12:30 -- Mommy gives Thing 2 a timeout for telling mommy to "take my plate to the sink toilet face." Thing 2 LAUGHS.

12:45 -- Mommy puts Thing 2 in her room, Thing 1 in his room and calls five minutes of silence, threatening no Easter Party at school if I hear a peep.

12:46 -- Thing 1 declares, "Whatever, Mommy. Did you hear me, I said 'What.ev.er" -- I don't care if you take away my computer. I can just play with my toys. I know you will let me go to the Easter party at school because it's my job to have fun and go to school."

12:47 -- Thing 2 bursts out with "You can take my computer. You can take away anything you want, I dont' care. I'll just go outside where its sunny."

1 p.m. -- The Twin Monster Things get dropped at school (yes, I stopped the car first)

3:15 p.m. -- Mommy arrives at school to find Thing 2 saying "What are you doing here? I like La Gringa better than you."

4 p.m. -- Mommy calls in the troops. I call BFF and make a plan. No playdate tomorrow. She'll play badguy. We'll threaten going to KidsPark as punishment.

4:15 p.m. -- (Mommy) "Aunty BFF canceled our playdate for tomorrow since she heard how disrepectful you have been." (Thing 1) "NOOOOO! I want to go to her house and have a talk about this." (Thing 2) "I don't like you."

4:20 p.m. -- (Mommy) "Why don't you talk to Aunty BFF and see what she has to say." The Things talked to BFF who got under Thing 1's skin. He cried and cried and promised not to go "koo-koo-crazy" Thing 2, however, gave (quivering) lip service.

4:30 p.m. -- BFF comes up with a brilliant idea: Drop them at KidsPark for an hour. Separate Kids Parks...leave them until they understand I mean business. Operation Mommy begins: I pulled up to KidsPark. Peels up to the curb and I pretend to go inside. I got kicked out when someone started screaming at me about not taking any photos (I was pulling out my iPhone and the photo is the one above).

4:31 p.m. -- Thing 2 FREAKS OUT (finally), begging me profusely not to drop her off at KidsPark and that she'll be respectful and not go crazy on me "for one whole day." I text BFF: Operation Mommy successful.

4:50 p.m. -- The Things are home, swearing they will be good and Aunty BFF will have mercy on them.

4:51 p.m. -- A minute later, Thing 2 comes in screaming at that Thing 1 hit her, knocked her down. Both Things are screaming, howling, knowing they were absolute toast.

4:52 p.m. -- The Things are in a SILENT timeout. 15 Minutes of Pure Silence.

5:07 p.m. -- Things eat dinner.

5:25 p.m. -- Thing 1 has a bath (first time ever alone).

5:35 p.m. -- Thing 2 has a bath.

5:45 p.m. -- The Things are in bed. GO TO BED THINGS.

...wine, dinner, silence. Tomorrow Things will be better.

Score: Mommies 2, Thing 2

It's a draw.

Jesus Was a Marshmallow

The Things had an interesting activity at preschool today to teach them about Lent and Easter.

From what La Gringa and I could gather, they took biscuit dough, stuck a marshmallow in the center, wrapped it up and baked them. The results were that the marshmallow melted, but the biscuit became sweet, describing how Christ's body remained but he rose from the dead.

Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ is a Marshmallow.