They crack.me.up

Second Hand Smoke

MYTH: ADD doesn’t really cause much damage to a person’s life.

FACT: Untreated or inadequately treated ADD syndrome often severely impairs learning, family life, education, work life, social interactions, and driving safely. (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm).

There are a lot worse things in life, like, um, not feeling your legs, having a numb face, the feeling of a zillion ants crawling up your head...but few things cause so much unintentional damage.

Dammit, I wish I could solve all that shit and more... fuckfuckfuck.

Hollow Leg with Pit Stop in My Ass and Thighs

It's not a matter of want, it's a matter of need. Since training with Lisa started about four months ago, I cannot stop eating. I am STARVING. I try sushi and starve. I try a little steak and starve. I try a bowl of once-forbidden pasta and starve. I simply cannot get satiated.

I can out-eat and out-drink almost everyone. I can put away four or five slices of pizza. I can eat salad out of an industrial-size bowl. I can drink a bottle of wine without blinking. I simply cannot get to the point where I'm not hungry. And no, a-hole, I am not pregnant.

I try all the tricks... drink a ton of water (made me want to pee and eat), drink tea (again, pee then eat). I eat large helpings of steamed asparagus and broccoli to ward off the dinner that's yet to be served...then chomp all my food and La Gringa's too.

There is no end in sight. I had three servings of Indian food on Saturday (a Cardinal Sin) which topped off the day of eating four different kinds of pig. Twelve hours later, I ate a giant eggwhite fritatta, three cups of coffee, a nonfat latte and 1/2 of my kid's french toast for breakfast the next morning. I left wondering what was for lunch.

One day, in lieu of raiding the service counter at Bills for hashbrowns, I ordered THREE Nonfat Eggnog Lattes from Starbucks. An hour later, I was farting up a storm and trolling through the ready-made, single-serveThanksgiving meals at Whole Foods. Last week I made the whole family go to Japanese food where I ate nearly 40 pieces of Sushi...guess what? I left there...hungry.

Maybe it's psychological, but to be frank, I've never been happier in all of my life and each day is the greatest day (besides 7.16.03) I have ever had. It's weird what a good healthy relationship can do... too bad it can't curb my appetite.

Slow as Molassas...Kiss My Ass Internet

Somewhere in the days after Thanksgiving comes the surge of panic. Everyone is shopping, late for deadlines, running out of time, stressed out beyond the capability of Lexapro and, broke. If there is such urgency, then why does everyone and everything move so damn slow in December?

Everything, everything seems to slow down like lingering effects of that dang triptophan. The F-in Internet is slow as hell. Try to order Christmas cards from Shutterfly...it'll fuck you silly. There is no fricking way that Shutterfly is so stupid that they can't figure out to perhaps S.C.A.L.E. during busy seasons? How about Nordstrom.com which in some freaky way is integrated with Amazon.com and if you've got orders in one place, it completely jacks you in the other. Like I am only going to shop in one place for all of Christmas? Um, yeah.

How about parking? How about browsing shops? How about getting your friends to respond to personal emails? How about your ever-present consultants fully available in January, but exercising their damn right to not be employees and f-ing disappear the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? Everything gets so slow that it's nearly impossible to do anything but join in the mix of droning slowness.

I run on an RPM that would burn the vinyl off my Neil Diamond collection. I'm not saying that this is a good thing, but 'nuff said that can't wait until January.